Abandoned

I know, its been awhile since I have posted. I doubt anyone reads this anyway. But I am actually going to use this blog as a journal. To sort through things. To think about things.

Thursday is the one year anniversary of my best friend's death. She battled a brain tumor for two and a half years. I was there when she took her last breath. Sari (Sarah) was so funny. I have so many memories with her. We talked about anything and everything. We loved to shop together. We called it retail therapy. And we were good at it.

I know it's selfish, but I feel that Sari abandoned me. She is the ONLY friend who NEVER wronged me. NEVER. She was always there when I needed her. She always knew what to say. She was there when my friend Nolan was killed and took me out to get something to wear for his funeral and took me to dinner. She took me to Como Zoo for my birthday. We celebrated her birthday at Olive Garden. I was there for her 21st birthday at Joe's Crab Shack. She tried to set me up with her cousin (who we now know is gay). I went to her Bachelorette Party at Chino Latino. I went to her Wedding. We were friends since my freshman year of college. She was there for me. And now she is gone.

Gone. Just like that. And I was there when she took her last breath. It was the scariest moment of my life. It was like she was gasping for air. But it was her last breath. And then moments later she was no longer living in her physical body. I had never seen someone die until that day. Just after 2 pm on April 24, 2007 I lost my best friend. Sarah Elizabeth Eckhoff.

I constantly see/hear things that remind me of her. Anytime I hear a Ben Folds song, I think of her. Whenever the movie The Sweetest Thing comes on, I think of her. Whenever I hear "Sam" I think of her because that's the name of her dog. Whenever I look at beautiful photography, I think of her because of her great skills. Whenever I her Grease songs, I think of her first dance with her husband at their wedding.

And just like that those memories are just that, memories. We won't go on retail therapy trips anymore. We won't talk on the phone until late at night. We won't IM about ridiculous things. We won't gossip about so and so. My best friend abandoned me. That's how I feel.

I know it was so rough during the last weeks. She could not do much on her own. She was in the wheel chair all the time. She was in the bed in a medically induced coma the last couple days of her life. She was in so much pain. And for selfish reasons I want and need her here. I have been abandoned by so many people, and it hurts so bad that God took Sari or that He allowed her to be taken. I have experienced so much loss, I just do NOT understand why Sari had to be taken too.

When she told me the doctors gave her 6 to 9 months to live. I was furious. How the hell do doctors know? They are not God. Only God knows the days of our lives. God numbers our days. And you know what? The doctors were right. Sari just barely made it to 6 months. Bastards. I wonder if they even did everything they could.

But did I do everything I could? Did I pray enough? Nope. And I didn't even know my best friend was in the hospital until she was almost out. I didn't know I could get email updates when her caringbridge website was updated and forgot to check back and by the time I did, she was almost being discharged home to hospice care. And by that time she was rapidly declining. How could I be such a bad friend? I wronged her by not being there when she needed me. Who am I? What kind of friend was I? It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all the what-ifs and the I should'ves.

I have been abandoned permanently in this physical life by my best friend. But I abandoned her during her last days in her physical life. I miss her so much. Her laugh. Her smile. Her jokes.

I miss you Sari. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. And I am sorry for not being there when I needed me to be there.