Abandoned

I know, its been awhile since I have posted. I doubt anyone reads this anyway. But I am actually going to use this blog as a journal. To sort through things. To think about things.

Thursday is the one year anniversary of my best friend's death. She battled a brain tumor for two and a half years. I was there when she took her last breath. Sari (Sarah) was so funny. I have so many memories with her. We talked about anything and everything. We loved to shop together. We called it retail therapy. And we were good at it.

I know it's selfish, but I feel that Sari abandoned me. She is the ONLY friend who NEVER wronged me. NEVER. She was always there when I needed her. She always knew what to say. She was there when my friend Nolan was killed and took me out to get something to wear for his funeral and took me to dinner. She took me to Como Zoo for my birthday. We celebrated her birthday at Olive Garden. I was there for her 21st birthday at Joe's Crab Shack. She tried to set me up with her cousin (who we now know is gay). I went to her Bachelorette Party at Chino Latino. I went to her Wedding. We were friends since my freshman year of college. She was there for me. And now she is gone.

Gone. Just like that. And I was there when she took her last breath. It was the scariest moment of my life. It was like she was gasping for air. But it was her last breath. And then moments later she was no longer living in her physical body. I had never seen someone die until that day. Just after 2 pm on April 24, 2007 I lost my best friend. Sarah Elizabeth Eckhoff.

I constantly see/hear things that remind me of her. Anytime I hear a Ben Folds song, I think of her. Whenever the movie The Sweetest Thing comes on, I think of her. Whenever I hear "Sam" I think of her because that's the name of her dog. Whenever I look at beautiful photography, I think of her because of her great skills. Whenever I her Grease songs, I think of her first dance with her husband at their wedding.

And just like that those memories are just that, memories. We won't go on retail therapy trips anymore. We won't talk on the phone until late at night. We won't IM about ridiculous things. We won't gossip about so and so. My best friend abandoned me. That's how I feel.

I know it was so rough during the last weeks. She could not do much on her own. She was in the wheel chair all the time. She was in the bed in a medically induced coma the last couple days of her life. She was in so much pain. And for selfish reasons I want and need her here. I have been abandoned by so many people, and it hurts so bad that God took Sari or that He allowed her to be taken. I have experienced so much loss, I just do NOT understand why Sari had to be taken too.

When she told me the doctors gave her 6 to 9 months to live. I was furious. How the hell do doctors know? They are not God. Only God knows the days of our lives. God numbers our days. And you know what? The doctors were right. Sari just barely made it to 6 months. Bastards. I wonder if they even did everything they could.

But did I do everything I could? Did I pray enough? Nope. And I didn't even know my best friend was in the hospital until she was almost out. I didn't know I could get email updates when her caringbridge website was updated and forgot to check back and by the time I did, she was almost being discharged home to hospice care. And by that time she was rapidly declining. How could I be such a bad friend? I wronged her by not being there when she needed me. Who am I? What kind of friend was I? It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all the what-ifs and the I should'ves.

I have been abandoned permanently in this physical life by my best friend. But I abandoned her during her last days in her physical life. I miss her so much. Her laugh. Her smile. Her jokes.

I miss you Sari. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. And I am sorry for not being there when I needed me to be there.

Pray For Gwyneth

Gwyneth has had a setback. She has developed pneumonia. She has had to be placed back on the vent. Please lift her up in prayers. She has fought so hard this far. What a blessed little one to have so many praying for her, but let's add on and add on to the prayer warriors for Gwyneth. God has blessed me with this family, and now let's return the favor and pray for them. Please go to this website, or click on the title of the post, to go to the blog and read about what is going on. You will probably end up spending hours and hours reading the blog from beginning to end. But Nate does have a post or two with "catch up" info so you can get the gist of what is going on.

But the most imporant thing is to pray for Gwyneth and her strength and health and her lungs. And pray for Tricia and Nate as they did not get much sleep last night with the updates on Gwyneth. And for Tricia's health, too.

Grace and Peace

Confessions of a CF Husband

It has been awhile since my last post because I have been sick, but this needs to be told.

Through the blog about Noah Steven, I came to "know" Nate, Tricia, and Gwyneth Rose. There was a link for Nate's website called "Confessions of a CF Husband" and so I started to read it and was sucked into the story immediately.

I am not about to tell you all the details, you HAVE to go read the blog because Nate's attention to detail and the background to the story is very important. So go here and read about them. But I will tell you a bit about Nate, Tricia and Gwyneth Rose.

Tricia and Nate met in the Outer Banks of North Carolina at church where his father is a pastor. It took a time of pursuing but eventually Nate and Tricia got married. Tricia has a disease called Cystic Fibrosis. It is a life threatening and life shortening lung disease. Nate knew (to the best of his ability) what he was getting into. Tricia needed constant care and constant treatments.

Tricia eventually became sick enough where she needed a double lung transplant. So last fall they were preparing to go to Duke University Hospital for her physical therapy and preparations to be activated and listed on the transplant list. Right before they were to leave Tricia discovered she was pregnant. This could be very dangerous to her health, and it soon was. Tricia became very ill and the baby was born at 24 weeks gestation.

At present time, Tricia is doing well, but has overcome a lot of obstacles. Gwyneth Rose is now almost 9 weeks old and is getting stronger and stronger, but still has a ways to go. Tricia has finally gotten back to her status as of last fall and is re-activated and re-listed for a double lung transplant. Now it is just a matter of waiting. And praying.

Believe me though, while this story may seem amazing from what I just wrote, it is so much more amazing from the words that Nate uses and his perspective as husband and father. He uses videos and pictures to captivate and engage your heart. And while he and his family are in this trying time, he also tells of other families and people who need prayer.

But most of all, Nate is not wanting this to be about them. He wants this story to get out for the Glory of God. He wants God to get all the praise and accolade. Nate and his parents and Tricia's parents and siblings and other family and friends have been so faithful and trusting in God through this situation and trusting God to do His will and that He will come through. And He has. Time and Time again.

This story has not only made me fall in love with a family that I don't know and gotten me to pray for this family so much more than I ever expected, but I have found myself questioning how much I trust God. I have migraines and sure they are debilitating at times, but I haven't trusted Him with my health or with the migraines. But I am starting to. God has provided me with a job, but it's not what I want to be doing. I have had to ask myself if I trust God to provide for that. I am working my way there.

God has used this story to show His faithfulness in harder times than I have ever experienced and said "Look how My Children here trust me and do not doubt and pray and continue on, but you of little faith..." And it has opened my eyes to my relationship with Him. And this is exactly what Nate and Tricia want.

This story is being "heard" and read around the world. When you go to Nate's website, you can see a map of the world, and There are dots on the map representing people from that location that are reading the blog. There are people that are in Australia, Japan, India, China, Africa, all over. Please, read this story. See what God is doing for them. Pray for Nate and Tricia and Gwyneth Rose. See what God is doing in your life. Ask yourself how much you are trusting God.

I REACH FOR YOU

Beautiful Love, You have changed my world
It’s so much better now
I don’t know what You see in me
But I’m glad that You found

Something
Worth loving oh

I reach for You
I reach for You
I reach for You
You reach for me, too
You reach for me, too
You reach me

You are more than I can take
So all of You I receive
I cannot go to where You are
So You take me

Beyond these
Dreams I dream

I can’t live without You
I don’t wanna be without You
No I can’t live without You
I am never without You

REACH by WARREN BARFIELD

The song lyrics from above are from one of my favorite songs. I could listen to Warren Barfield all day. He has a soul and a voice that draws me near to God. When I listen to his songs I feel His presence. *Hint* Notice the his vs His.

Lately I have been reaching for God like a toddler reaches up for mommy or daddy to hold them. I used to say "uppie" to my parents when I wanted them to hold me as a toddler. I now say "uppie" to my Father. I have yearned and desired and craved His closeness lately.

At Bible study this week we talked about discipleship and what it means to be a disciple. Am I a disciple? Kind of. In the Biblical sense? Not even close. I dont follow Him all the time. I don't always seek to be like Him. I don't act like Him at all times. My path has not been that path that He would always chose for me. But I am getting there. I have added things in my life as well as removed things in my life to make sure my path can be directed by Him instead of these false idols.

I have made tough decisions about friendships. I have cut out some people in my life. They were toxic. Not uplifting. Not encouraging. Not helping in my faith walk. Not close to Him. They weren't reaching for Him.

I have found a church home. I truly feel at home at this church. I haven't felt this way since I first came to Him and first started to go to church regularly. It is a true blessing and relief to feel "home" among the Body on Sundays.

At this church, I have joined a small group on Tuesday nights. It is the "open" group, as people are free to come and go and they constantly welcome new-comers, like myself. I have been welcomed since Day 1, when I first started going two weeks ago. What a blessing that has been. It's for 20-somethings and to discuss Jesus and our walks. Right now we are doing a video series. The video we are watching is split into segments and the most recent one talked about discipleship (see above).

I have joined an online Bible study. It's called Engage The Journey. I did this 2 years ago. It's led by Kate McDonald. We are reading thru the Bible chronologically. Right now we are in Numbers. Between Leviticus and Numbers, they are not the most thrilling and engaging of books. But I am learning. I look forward to reading Joshua and eventually Psalms and Proverbs. God is using this group in enormous ways. The insight of each person is such a blessing and light because they may have read something in a different way or have found other information or learned about something or something different may have stuck out. And I have learned much more than I ever would by reading the Bible on my own. Thank you Lord for community, online or otherwise! We ARE the Body!

I also have only listened to "Christian" music. Yes it is Christian. But I hate that it has that label. These are people dedicated to the Lord and sing praise to Him and pour out their hearts to Him. And these songs have blessed others and some people have even been led to the Lord thru these songs. Some noteworthy artists: Shawn McDonald (yes, Kate, ETJ leader, is his wife!), he has a new album coming out March 7 and I'm so stoked for it; Warren Barfield, he has a new album coming out May 20 (I cannot believe I have to wait til then! If you have Myspace, find his home video for "The Singer Not the Song" its A-mazing); the Daniel Doss Band: their cd Greater Than Us All is amazing, there is not one bad song; Robbie Seay Band: their album Give Yourself Away is amazing; and of course Shane&Shane: anything by them, listen to it.

I have been reaching for God and I know He is going to give me an "uppie" soon! I have faith in Him and I trust Him. Trust...that is what the next blog will be about.

Grace and Peace

Noah Steven

I came across this website thru a woman from my Online Bible study "Engage the Journey 2008" and I cannot tell you how amazing this story is. It is about Grace, compassion, God's glory, mercy, surrender, selflessness, and so much more. This blog did transform my heart, more than I thought it would. I thought this would just be a sad story about a family, a mother, losing her son. But it's much, much more than that. Below is the paragraph from the website stating what the blog is about. I highly encourage you to read from beginning to end. You will not regret it. But I will warn you: You WILL fall in love with Noah, and you WILL fall in love with this family.


"This blog is about a little boy named Noah who was in TCH Denver from 8/2/06 to January 12, 2007, waiting on God for a miracle. Miracles came in ways none of us on earth expected, but it turned out more beautiful than we could have imagined...You're never prepared to fall in love, so read on only if you can. Please spread this blog to anyone you know will pray, not for Noah's miracle, since that has come, but for a miracle to transform your very own heart..."

You can visit the blog here.